House of Cards

I was in the car, driving to my voice lesson yesterday when my song “House of Cards” came up in the shuffle.  I hadn’t listened to it since the album came out in 2007 and it really got to me, going back and hearing to it again.

House of Cards is probably the most devastating song I’ve every written.  I wrote it during one of the darkest periods of my life.

Everything in my life was falling apart at that time; all my relationships, including my marriage, finances, etc, and I was speeding towards rock bottom.  I was feeling doubt about everything, finding holes and delusion in all my relationships and the life I had built (on a house of cards), and everything I thought I knew about people and life.

The song does end on a slightly up note, with images from a dream that I had around that period, where I was reassured that everything was going to be all right.  But it didn’t feel like that for years to come.  There was so much more to deal with and just walk through.

My voice on the song sounds so tiny.

Listening to it now, after so much has passed over these last few years, it almost felt out-of-body.   I felt so bad for the girl who was singing the song.  Wait – that was me!

I’m ok now.  More than ok & doing pretty well actually.

I have a new CD coming out next month.  Another thing that struck me about listening to that song again was the girl’s voice (mine?)  It’s not mine anymore.  The dramatic changes we go through in life, they change everything about us, don’t they?  My voice has changed so much.   It’s a whole different energy.

My voice teacher brought it up in my lesson yesterday.  She said, “What does R (producer/ex-husband who has produced all my CDs) think of your voice now?”

I said, “Oh, R notices.  Big time.”

How can you not?

Funny, when I wrote and recorded my songs for “Visible”, I didn’t see them as being that dark.  Others commented on it, but to me, they were just the reality I was living in.  But now, stepping outside of that forest, it’s an eye-opener to go back and listen again.

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House of Cards/A. Moscow  2001

Hair on my pillow
Hair on the bathroom floor
Pieces of me that I can’t hold anymore

Dust on my windowpane
Mold on the shower door
Can’t keep this picture perfect anymore

It feels like falling
It feels like falling
It feels like

Everything you taught me
Was a lie
I built my castle to your specifications
I built my castle on stilts in California
This house of cards
It will fall before dawning

It feels like falling
It feels like falling
It feels like falling through an open abyss
Falling down

Your embrace
Sustains me
The mem’ry of your skin
Gives me strength to go in to
This house of cards
It will fall before dawning